Self Esteem-The Four Rooms

Introduction

Our work with people takes us to some interesting places and over the last couple of days I've been checking out some ideas and observations in the context of Transactional Analysis. As is often the case, some tangential work sprang to mind and here it is-an easily digestible metaphor for how we stay in touch with (or otherwise) those feelings and beliefs that nurture or attack our self-esteem.

Self Esteem might be described as “the way we think about ourselves” and there can be a number of pulls on our self-esteem, sometimes in opposing directions. The human capacity for listening to negative messages is truly alarming and too often these are the ones we hear, think about and use as evidence to justify a low self opinion. They also give “permission” for others to adapt a negative view of us, thereby reinforcing our poor self-appraisal.  It may be useful to use the idea of The Four Rooms as a way of understanding the power of poor self-esteem. We can think of what we would accept other people knowing about us as a special house with four rooms. It's also worth considering what it is we are prepared to know about ourselves rather than what we are content to believe about ourselves.

Room One

Conditions of Entry:

We are happy to allow anyone into this room, there’s nothing here we would want to hide from public view there are no items or photographs on display that might embarrass us or lead to difficult questions being asked.

Room 2

Conditions of Entry

Some of our closer friends and family members are welcome here but there are things in this room that are private and by entering we agree to an understanding that nothing on display or discussed here will be talked about with others outside of our close circle. In this room we can be joyous or unhappy: it gives us permission to express our emotions and receive those of others

Room 3

Conditions of Entry

This is a very private room, one that only a few people have had any access to. There are things on display and lying around here that give us sometimes painful, complicated and difficult to understand messages abut ourselves, who we are, what we believe in, what we care about, what gives us joy and what hurts us. Most people are unaware that our house has a room like this.

Room 4

Conditions of Entry

No-one is allowed in here-often we deny ourselves permission to enter because we know that beyond the doors there are powerfully felt examples and memories of those events and feelings that have made us the person we think we are

Which do we keep open?

Which can't we close?

Which do we not dare enter?

Where do we become stuck?

Listen To Your Workforce!

Workforce Voices-The Value and Benefits of Listening

October 5, 2011 by coady1

Premise


Can listening to and engaging with a workforce make a positive contribution-we believe it can as long as it is honest, authentic and can show that a “difference for the better” has emerged. We also believe that this will work in any organisation-large or small-providing the process is well managed.


Here are 3 areas for consideration

1. Principles
2. Benefits
3. Challenges

Principles of Listening to Workforce Voices:


o Mutual respect given and received between and within the workforce 
o All adults have equal worth in the workplace
o Communication is open, honest, valued and provides an exchange of ideas and views between workforce
o Investment in the future – accepting that all members of workforce are entitled to express their views about things which will affect and determine their future
o Meaningful active involvement where any decisions about workforce are made with them
o Working relationships are sustainable, effective and responsive
o Equal opportunities exist for workforce to be involved in a range of activities/development processes
o Workforce participation, involvement and voice are continually evaluated and reviewed.


Benefits of Listening to Workforce Voices:


o Gives additional information and insight into what the workforce thinks of structures/management etc
o Helps to strengthen partnerships between workforce and management
o Helps workforce members work out what is best for themselves and their colleagues
o Enables the workforce to gain better understanding of the things that really matter to colleagues
o Helps to create a listening environment
o All workforce members feel valued, respected and treated like equals
o Helps to develop reflective thinking 
o Increased confidence, self esteem and aspirations
o Enables the workforce to become more motivated to get involved in their jobs 
o Strengthens the feeling of community
o Develops teamwork
o Promotes more creative thinking
o Increases effective communication between workforce 


Challenges of Listening to Workforce Voices 


o Some of the workforce may be anxious about criticism of their work/leadership/communication skills
o Some of the workforce may be wary of the unpredictability of comments and views
o Some of the workforce may have reservations about voicing their opinions/blame culture
o Some of the workforce may worry about the loss of authority in their department
o Some of the workforce will not be prepared to accept the opinions of others
o Some of the workforce may use the opportunity to “take over” or dominate discussion areas
o Managing the initiative will call for careful planning/time constraints etc

Bear Trap Avoidance # 1 "Can I Just Have A Minute?"

My recent work with Middle Managers has been hugely enjoyable. Challenging, practical and pragmatic they hold high aspirations for themselves, their teams and the organisation, with a firm grip on the difficult times and challenges we all face (a substantial proportion of my work is delivered in the public sector.
One of the more common areas of discussion is centred around how to deal with challenging individuals who might be on their way to becoming Toxic Employees. Another concerns the words and phrases we can use to maintain dialogue at difficult times and how to signal “No” in a manner that is acceptable to those concerned.
Here are some of the common themes I’ve worked around over the recent past-some of what follows is tongue in cheek enough, underpinned by some serious messages.
There are some avoidable Bear Traps and the first one I’d like to raise is the balance between an “open door” policy and having your day systematically hi-jacked so that your activities become compressed into a claustrophobically small space. Open door policies are great and I think they send out clear messages of accessibility, inclusivity, respect, worth and value. I’m of the view though that they are at their most productive when everyone understands that access should no be abused-an open door is not an invitation to hi-jack precious time with trivia.
“Can I just have a couple of minutes of your time?” How often is that seemingly innocent question a coded way of asking “Any objections of I just screw up the next 45 minutes of your working day and put you off your concentration for the following hour, make you late for an appointment and miss returning a phone call?” However, because we’re generally decent people, we sometimes have a tendency to freely give our time away, giving the intruder a method of obtaining what they want; namely a legitimate reason for being away from where they need to be and doing what they should have been doing. Ironically, the desire of the “open door manager” to be accessible in order to raise performance actually complies with the undesirable intentions of others to develop a deceptively subtle work-avoidance strategy that costs them nothing.
So, at the time the question is asked, maybe an enquiry along the lines of “Is it really just a couple of minutes or do we need to book a slot” would increase our control. “I’ve got to be at X by Y, so I can give you 5 minutes” should mean just that. The temptation often exists to give of yourself without considering the messages transmitted. “I was talking to John about this and he agrees,” might not be what John was saying at all-he may well have been delivering a series of “I’m listening” messages that have been interpreted-perhaps opportunistically-as tacit approval with unwanted consequences.
Oh by the way, look out for the power of words like "just"-they're another Bear Trap for later!

From The Heart

We very recently carried out a day's development and training delivering our "Conflict to Confidence" programme to a training organisation that engages with disaffected 14-16 year olds and delivers Entry to Employment and Apprenticeship training to groups with high risk and vulnerability factors.
Part of the programme asks participants to develop a "Two of Us In a Lift" conversation; the premise of which is to as participants to think of someone who they admire, would like to meet and to imagine that you are in a lift with this person-they ask you "What do you do for a living, what makes it the right job for you?" You have 60 seconds to reply and get your message across. When I've delivered this before I've had some really interesting, comical and sometime raunchy characters make their way into the lift-all great fun. This time was made different by 3 participants, two of who chose their deceased fathers as the person they would most want to tell how well they'd done and what they'd achieved. A third chose his grandfather, a stroke victim whose speech has been affected-he wanted the chance to have a "real" conversation with him.
Presenting programmes is great-it's one of the very best parts of our work. This occasion was a powerful reminder of the worth of "Good Work" in contributing to our awareness of who we are and what we stand for in an often difficult and challenging world.

Personal Planning for Retirement

WORK/LIFE CHANGES APPROACHING?

We so often define ourselves through our jobs that it can be challenging to think about who we will be when we choose change, or circumstances mean that we have to change.
What are we talking about?
When you start out in your career, you spend time and effort making plans, developing ideas to carry you through the years that follow. Making sure you leave nothing to chance regarding decisions which will affect your career. Does that sound like you?
When you are approaching retirement, you have the benefit of experience, knowledge about what works for you, time to develop and fine tune interests you have never had time for, family grown up and maybe even left home, all kinds of opportunities.
But not everyone looks forward to retirement as a positive move. For many people, it is a time of uncertainty, worries about who they are, what will they do, what can they achieve, how will they be identified.
In your working life, you were known as a teacher, accountant, salesman, driver, office worker, nurse etc, you had an identity because of the job you did. But what about during retirement? Who will you be then?
The answer is you can be anyone you chose, because you have the time to develop the skills, take on new interests, learn how to be yourself again.
Look at the following questions/statements; see if you answer a quiet “YES” to any of them:
Am I approaching retirement in the next 2 years?
I am looking forward to it.
Am I concerned about what I will do with myself?
Am I concerned about how to keep my mind active?
Am I dreading the thought of no routine in my life?
Have I always been governed by strict times/bells at work?
Has my career involved other people making decisions for me?
Am I feeling less than confident about retirement?
Do I have concerns that I can’t express to my nearest and dearest?
I have a long term plan which will guide me through my retirement.
Do I need some help to devise plans to develop me into retirement?
Do I see retirement as the end of my life as I know it?
I have someone I can talk to someone about how I feel.

Have you answered a quiet “yes” to any of these questions?
Do you recognise that you need to plan your retirement to get the best out of it?
You have all of the answers you need, but maybe you need some help to put those plans into some kind of order. Retirement is as important as your working life, possibly more so, because you will make the choices about what you do, how you do it, who you are. You have worked all of your life, now work at enjoying your retirement.
We, at Coady Consultants Ltd, offer you the opportunity to work with one of our Personal Coaches who will provide Coaching for Personal Development into Retirement. This will involve working with you to look at the concerns you have, removing barriers, prioritising, planning.
WE ARE NOT FINANCIAL OR LEGAL ADVISORS, we are professionals in our field of personal development.
We can help you to find the answers you need in order to make your retirement a successful one. We can encourage you to develop the thinking, strategies, planning and self awareness which will allow you the opportunity to look retirement in the face and say “I AM PREPARED AND LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.”
Our by-line, as a company is “Working with you to improve”, so, here’s your chance to find out. We can work with you to improve your chances of enjoying the retirement you have worked so hard for.
If you would like further information, please contact us enquiries@coadyconsultants.co.uk