Self Esteem-The Four Rooms

Introduction

Our work with people takes us to some interesting places and over the last couple of days I've been checking out some ideas and observations in the context of Transactional Analysis. As is often the case, some tangential work sprang to mind and here it is-an easily digestible metaphor for how we stay in touch with (or otherwise) those feelings and beliefs that nurture or attack our self-esteem.

Self Esteem might be described as “the way we think about ourselves” and there can be a number of pulls on our self-esteem, sometimes in opposing directions. The human capacity for listening to negative messages is truly alarming and too often these are the ones we hear, think about and use as evidence to justify a low self opinion. They also give “permission” for others to adapt a negative view of us, thereby reinforcing our poor self-appraisal.  It may be useful to use the idea of The Four Rooms as a way of understanding the power of poor self-esteem. We can think of what we would accept other people knowing about us as a special house with four rooms. It's also worth considering what it is we are prepared to know about ourselves rather than what we are content to believe about ourselves.

Room One

Conditions of Entry:

We are happy to allow anyone into this room, there’s nothing here we would want to hide from public view there are no items or photographs on display that might embarrass us or lead to difficult questions being asked.

Room 2

Conditions of Entry

Some of our closer friends and family members are welcome here but there are things in this room that are private and by entering we agree to an understanding that nothing on display or discussed here will be talked about with others outside of our close circle. In this room we can be joyous or unhappy: it gives us permission to express our emotions and receive those of others

Room 3

Conditions of Entry

This is a very private room, one that only a few people have had any access to. There are things on display and lying around here that give us sometimes painful, complicated and difficult to understand messages abut ourselves, who we are, what we believe in, what we care about, what gives us joy and what hurts us. Most people are unaware that our house has a room like this.

Room 4

Conditions of Entry

No-one is allowed in here-often we deny ourselves permission to enter because we know that beyond the doors there are powerfully felt examples and memories of those events and feelings that have made us the person we think we are

Which do we keep open?

Which can't we close?

Which do we not dare enter?

Where do we become stuck?

131496 Hours ago And The Future

We've been engaged by a valued client to support a complicated change process that involves relocation, reorganisation and realignment, Apart from that, it's pretty straight forward.

When we looked for an approach that was developmental and sustainable we agreed that the processes and philosophy of Appreciative Inquiry would be a strong candidate to engage the management team and to enable them to deliver the process to their teams. I wouldn't want to add to the volumes, production numbers, quotes and conferences that have been conceived, born and flourished around the concept of change: I'd just like to state the obvious, that no matter how we wrap it up-you know "challenging," "exciting opportunities,"-and so on, change is for a number of people both threatening and tough. It's also inevitable as a number of organisations are required to make sense of and adapt to a rapidly shifting context in which one of the certainties is that there is likely to be more uncertainty.

An important component of Appreciative Inquiry is the capacity to understand and celebrate who we were, what we did and what happens on are "best days" and as a coach/facilitator I guess I need to be pretty attentive to conversational pearls that help me to help the client recognises their "best days".

Something turned up in a conversation exploring those occasions where we feel lifted and encouraged by an event or interaction. My client referred to an occasion where his help had been requested by a student (Service User). Unsure of how to approach the challenge my client and the student worked through it together, arrived at the solution and had each learned a lot from the other as they were required to get to grips with the technology and its application from two  very different perspectives.

My client talked about this with real pride and stated that it sets out what he values most: to teach and to learn as a transactional rather than an instructional process. Where was this energy accessed from? It was an event that took place

• 15 Years ago
• Or 180 months ago
• Or 780 weeks ago
• Or 5479 Days ago
• Or 131496  Hours ago.

And it steers the future.

Six Ways To Destroy Yourself: Regularly and Often

I was going to attend a Business Networking Meeting today and can’t: I have had to re-prioritise a couple of things that have to be in place by next Monday and that’s it. So what to do? Telephone my friend and associate T and tell him that “I can’t make it and here’s why. ” Do I enjoy this kind of call? No, and I wrestle with my sense of letting myself and others down. I do understand though that there is a greater loss if I fail to complete on the other tasks-due next week and running late. So, a call to make and a blog to write.


I thought I’d use today’s example as one of the ways in which we occasionally tear ourselves to bits. Competing priorities are only part of it. A more difficult challenge is “What do our decisions say about us?” Well, here’s the rub: “Is it better to make an early decision and state that this can not be done, or is more desirable to turn up, rushed, distracted and pre-occupied: which is the more damaging message and which will, in the course of time, cause more reputational harm?” So, I’ll work through today and resolve the outstanding priorities and bear in mind as I’m doing so, they are reasons, not excuses.


I picked up a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” -timeless and sure footed in its message-you need to be active and positive in the manner in which you engage with the world and the people in it. He gives-in a nutshell-Six Ways To Make People Like You and I love the simplicity of the message. Here they are:


Principle 1


Become genuinely interested in other people
Principle 2


Smile
Principle 3


Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Principle 4


Be a good listener, encourage people to talk about themselves
Principle 5


Talk in terms of the other persons interests
Principle 6


Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely
OR


Self Destruct Principle 1


Others don’t matter, they have little to say that’s of any interest unless you feel you can make a few quid, dollars, euro out of them. Beyond that their lives are 1 dimensional and beneath your contempt.


Self Destruct Principle 2


Smiling is for sycophants who honestly believe that their ingratiating fawning will work. Think yourself as a player in a world-wide poker game in which any betrayal of emotion will lose all you’ve gained, making you vulnerable and beaten, add into the equation an air of mystery and inscrutability-practice these expressions in the mirror (not the one in your car-others will think there’s something the matter with you-and if you’re doing this, there probably is!) Try your new found skills at your next meeting social gathering: bring something to read.


Self Destruct Principle 3


Just tell other people this, “I’m bad at names, I meet so many important people in the course of a day I have to prioritise my brain-space, so remind me; who are you again?” This I find is a brilliant way to secure seclusion, tranquillity and ultimately, poverty.


Self Destruct Principle 4


Learn how to feign attention, interrupt and tell people about something you’ve done that is more exciting, has earned more money or has demonstrated how smart you are. Combined with Self Destruct Principle 3 above, this becomes a powerful strategy that ensure that people will never forget you. They might not want to remember you but that’s not the point.


Self Destruct Principle 5


Other people’s interests are just that: they are other people and therefore consigned to the midden of “dull and pointless”. What of course, they are really waiting for is to hear about you.


Self Destruct


It’s much more important that other people understand how important you are: you might forget them abut they must not be allowed to forget you. The above Five Principles, applied singly, in combination or (and why not go for it?) all together will leave an indelible impression on those lucky enough to have met you.


Good Luck!

Premise:

The August riots-a tragedy in their own right-have presented a golden opportunity to an ever-present mob of reactionary voices that all too easily fall into a time-worn, clichéd dialogue containing the following key words and phrases:

• Back to basics
• Respect
• Discipline
• Punishment
• Do gooders
• Trendy Teaching

I’m pretty sure you catch my drift!

Here’s some information gleaned from the Pimlico Academy-a transformed school that did a a few pretty straight forward things.

1. They decided what they were there for and told everybody in six straight forward sentences.
2. They set up a great pastoral system-a house system that worked well because it emphasised the importance of learning and behaviour and did something about it when things started to slip
3. A strong tutorial system and after school support-access to specialist teachers and boosters
4. A strong sense of corporate identity with a uniform-grants for families who were struggling to afford one.
5. A Firm, Fair and Followed disciplinary system
6. A rewards system that acknowledges an celebrates progress in behaviour.

Outcome :

The number of pupils achieving five A*-C grades at GCSE (including maths and English) was 60 per cent in 2010/11, up from 36 per cent in 2007/08.

At the end of the 2010/11 school year, attendance was 94.3 per cent for years 7 to 11, compared to 78.3 per cent in 2009/10.

Staff absenteeism has halved since the introduction of the new measures thanks to reduced stress and pressure on teachers.

In the first year that the rewards system was introduced, there were no permanent exclusions. The following year there was only one.

Prior to the rewards system, 50 to 60 pupils were sent out of lessons each day. Now it is fewer than 10 and they are normally sent out for less serious reasons than was previously the case. Overall there has been a huge change in the atmosphere in the school, maintains Holt: “The staff are happier, the students are happier and the school is basically a much nicer place to be.”

The above takes a little more thinking through the simplistic rantings of “Put the teacher back in charge” and it sits comfortably with my view-if you want respect you need to earn it-power and authority are given and received, not enforced and tolerated and, without consensus we’re nowhere.

This doesn’t mean that we “hand over control to the kids”-it means for me that life is far more subtle and nuanced than  ”Do as I say or else,” and the sooner we establish learning cultures that transmit those values, the better it will be for kids, their families and teachers and wider society.

We have, as part of our professional portfolio a considerable depth of experience working in schools and colleges on behaviour related issues. Our experience would bear out the key elements of the above and we are happy to discuss this here or by contacting us directly at enquiries@coadyconsultants.co.uk

Listening and Acting On Workforce Voices

Premise


Can listening to and engaging with a workforce make a positive contribution-we believe it can as long as it is honest, authentic and can show that a "difference for the better" has emerged. We also believe that this will work in any organisation-large or small-providing the process is well managed.


Here are 3 areas for consideration

1. Principles
2. Benefits
3. Challenges

Principles of Listening to Workforce Voices:


o Mutual respect given and received between and within the workforce 
o All adults have equal worth in the workplace
o Communication is open, honest, valued and provides an exchange of ideas and views between workforce
o Investment in the future – accepting that all members of workforce are entitled to express their views about things which will affect and determine their future
o Meaningful active involvement where any decisions about workforce are made with them
o Working relationships are sustainable, effective and responsive
o Equal opportunities exist for workforce to be involved in a range of activities/development processes
o Workforce participation, involvement and voice are continually evaluated and reviewed.


Benefits of Listening to Workforce Voices:


o Gives additional information and insight into what the workforce thinks of structures/management etc
o Helps to strengthen partnerships between workforce and management
o Helps workforce members work out what is best for themselves and their colleagues
o Enables the workforce to gain better understanding of the things that really matter to colleagues
o Helps to create a listening environment
o All workforce members feel valued, respected and treated like equals
o Helps to develop reflective thinking 
o Increased confidence, self esteem and aspirations
o Enables the workforce to become more motivated to get involved in their jobs 
o Strengthens the feeling of community
o Develops teamwork
o Promotes more creative thinking
o Increases effective communication between workforce 


Challenges of Listening to Workforce Voices 


o Some of the workforce may be anxious about criticism of their work/leadership/communication skills
o Some of the workforce may be wary of the unpredictability of comments and views
o Some of the workforce may have reservations about voicing their opinions/blame culture
o Some of the workforce may worry about the loss of authority in their department
o Some of the workforce will not be prepared to accept the opinions of others
o Some of the workforce may use the opportunity to “take over” or dominate discussion areas
o Managing the initiative will call for careful planning/time constraints etc

From The Heart

We very recently carried out a day's development and training delivering our "Conflict to Confidence" programme to a training organisation that engages with disaffected 14-16 year olds and delivers Entry to Employment and Apprenticeship training to groups with high risk and vulnerability factors.
Part of the programme asks participants to develop a "Two of Us In a Lift" conversation; the premise of which is to as participants to think of someone who they admire, would like to meet and to imagine that you are in a lift with this person-they ask you "What do you do for a living, what makes it the right job for you?" You have 60 seconds to reply and get your message across. When I've delivered this before I've had some really interesting, comical and sometime raunchy characters make their way into the lift-all great fun. This time was made different by 3 participants, two of who chose their deceased fathers as the person they would most want to tell how well they'd done and what they'd achieved. A third chose his grandfather, a stroke victim whose speech has been affected-he wanted the chance to have a "real" conversation with him.
Presenting programmes is great-it's one of the very best parts of our work. This occasion was a powerful reminder of the worth of "Good Work" in contributing to our awareness of who we are and what we stand for in an often difficult and challenging world.

Coaching In Workplace-Enabling Interventions

Coaching In Workplace-Enabling Interventions

Coady Consultants understand the challenges Leaders and Managers face in recruiting and retaining their workforce. We know that substantial investments of finance, time and emotional energy are made in training and developing individuals and teams. We fully understand the cost, both in human and financial terms, when valued colleagues encounter challenges either at work or in their personal lives. We have been approached by Senior Mangers to work with colleagues who it is felt may need to look at their approaches to their work role. When we are asked to do this, we understand the massive investment of trust made in us by managers and those we work with. We understand that each individual is unique and we respond to their specific circumstances accordingly.
We understand too the need for employers to deliver their duty of care to their workforce. Here are some examples of how we can assist.

§ We have been approached by Leaders and Managers and worked with team-members where it is felt that an individual tem-member may benefit from increasing the inter-personal options and communication strategies they have available to them that in turn enable them to work more effectively with others.

§ We have worked with long standing and valued employees who may be experiencing a difficult time in their lives and whose performance is becoming a cause for concern.

§ We have enabled individuals to begin to resolve sometimes complex areas of life/work balance, increasing their sense of well-being and achievement on doing so.

§ We have helped individuals come to terms with aspects of their personal-life that are having an unwanted impact on their work-based performance

§ We have enabled individuals to, on occasions, re-align their goals and ambitions. In a minority of cases this has resulted in the individual making choices that ensure a “dignified exit” for all concerned-enabling them to move on with a sense of resolution, closure and purpose.

§ We have enable individual to accept mediation as a means of resolving inter-personal difficulties in the work place.

Every intervention is supported by a Coaching Plan, this included a confidentiality agreement and stresses that our work is not advice, therapy or counselling may address specific personal projects or general conditions in the client’s life or profession. We are able, where agreed, to support our interventions by “e-coaching” and telephone coaching.

Implementing Organisational Coaching and Mentoring

Introduction

This is an "active piece of work": we'll update as things develop!

Coady Consultants has delivered a Coaching and Mentoring Skills Based Programme to Middle Managers with the following intended outcomes:

To up-skill Managers
To introduce a range of materials to support the processes
To rehearse and practice skills and approaches
To agree on developing a professional support group
To further develop and extend the skills gained within the context.
Is significantly different in its approach to existing structures:
1:1 Meetings
Key Performance Indicators
Appraisal
To work within the contexts of Ethical Behaviour and Human Dignity

The programme has combined the key elements of coaching and mentoring in order to produce an intervention and support strategy that is specific, flexible accessible and replicable. It enables participants to establish goals that are in kilter with organisational needs and requirements whilst retaining a high degree of personal ownership.

Participants have explored the ethical context of the intervention; have acquired an overview of the importance of clarity, rapport and feedback. An established coaching model (The GROW model) has been deployed within the context of the programme. Feedback was positive: participants established support networks (4 above) prior to leaving the event with the intention of engaging with each other on specific areas of work. Whereas it was felt important to allow a period of time for participants to engage with each other and to practice the approaches discussed during the Development Day, it is noted that participants felt that they would need a period of ongoing support as they implemented the processes and incorporated them into their practice.

Securing the Development

We are in a position to offer participants access to further support from the programme facilitator using the following model.
Our client purchases an initial allocation of on-going support from the facilitator. Participants are then able to contact Coady Consultants to “book” a specific telephone support, enabling both parties to:

Set aside a specific amount of time
Reduce the likelihood of interruptions
Be focussed on the issues for discussion

Telephone calls can be further underpinned by access to e-mail support from Coady Consultants on matters related either to emergent issues from the development day or those which are related to practice. It is envisaged that this would be delivered on a “purchased entitlement” basis.

Spreading Good Practice

The initial cohort of 10 has been asked to engage with other Managers to model and deliver the Coach/Mentor processes. It is clear from individual and collective responses to the programme that the group will deploy the techniques used with their own teams.

Coaching led approaches within organisations can make a significant impact on morale, motivation and matching personal and organisational goals. Whereas the programme delivered combines specific elements of Coaching and Mentoring, it emphasises that a coaching relationship should be a consensual one. Furthermore, our development programme acknowledges that there will (hopefully infrequently) be occasions when the relationship between the Coach/Mentor and their “Client” is no longer sustainable and an alternative Coach/Mentor may be better suited to the process.

We would therefore seek to increase the number of the Company’s Workforce who have had access to the development in order to:

Increase the workforces’ awareness of coaching/mentoring processes
Increase the workforces’ capacity to deliver coaching/mentoring processes
Increase the workforces’ capacity to receive coaching/mentoring processes

We are therefore proposing that consideration is given to extending the Coach/Mentor delivery programme to a wider cohort of the Workforce over a phased and agreed period and that the Telephone/e-mail support strategy discussed earlier be incorporated as part of the process.

Coaching & Mentoring-Bringing It Together

We were approached by an existing customer organisation to explore the use of a combination of coaching and mentoring approaches to increase the confidence and competence of mid managers in order to develop teams and individuals across the company. Our remit was to create something different to appraisals and 1:1 supervision. There’s a difference between Coaching and Mentoring-so to start with a couple of definitions


Coaching

“Coaching is a one-to-one interactive relationship that helps people identify and accomplish their personal and professional goals faster than they could do on their own.”

Mentoring

“A slightly less formal arrangement that allows participants to access support as and when they feel it to be necessary.”

Our client wanted to develop the supportive aspects of mentoring together with some of the more specifically targeted features of coaching”


The programme was designed and delivered to embrace three areas: Mentor, Professional Friend and Facilitator.

Fabulous results-high quality evaluations, follow-up work and a satisfied client.
The drive from the North West of England to the Midlands, is on one of the busiest motorways in the country. The M6 was a joy that night,
We’re going to underpin our programme with a support strategy that involves telephone and e-mail contacts with those who attended the event. They have, with minimum prompting, arranged a mutual support work. It’s a National organisation and where geography is in the way, video-conferencing has been organised.

Fantastic!!