Self Esteem-The Four Rooms

Introduction

Our work with people takes us to some interesting places and over the last couple of days I've been checking out some ideas and observations in the context of Transactional Analysis. As is often the case, some tangential work sprang to mind and here it is-an easily digestible metaphor for how we stay in touch with (or otherwise) those feelings and beliefs that nurture or attack our self-esteem.

Self Esteem might be described as “the way we think about ourselves” and there can be a number of pulls on our self-esteem, sometimes in opposing directions. The human capacity for listening to negative messages is truly alarming and too often these are the ones we hear, think about and use as evidence to justify a low self opinion. They also give “permission” for others to adapt a negative view of us, thereby reinforcing our poor self-appraisal.  It may be useful to use the idea of The Four Rooms as a way of understanding the power of poor self-esteem. We can think of what we would accept other people knowing about us as a special house with four rooms. It's also worth considering what it is we are prepared to know about ourselves rather than what we are content to believe about ourselves.

Room One

Conditions of Entry:

We are happy to allow anyone into this room, there’s nothing here we would want to hide from public view there are no items or photographs on display that might embarrass us or lead to difficult questions being asked.

Room 2

Conditions of Entry

Some of our closer friends and family members are welcome here but there are things in this room that are private and by entering we agree to an understanding that nothing on display or discussed here will be talked about with others outside of our close circle. In this room we can be joyous or unhappy: it gives us permission to express our emotions and receive those of others

Room 3

Conditions of Entry

This is a very private room, one that only a few people have had any access to. There are things on display and lying around here that give us sometimes painful, complicated and difficult to understand messages abut ourselves, who we are, what we believe in, what we care about, what gives us joy and what hurts us. Most people are unaware that our house has a room like this.

Room 4

Conditions of Entry

No-one is allowed in here-often we deny ourselves permission to enter because we know that beyond the doors there are powerfully felt examples and memories of those events and feelings that have made us the person we think we are

Which do we keep open?

Which can't we close?

Which do we not dare enter?

Where do we become stuck?